How We Don’t See Love

Shadow work is about looking within, facing the parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore. But often we don’t go deep enough. We have a perception of what others did to us instead of understanding what lies beneath those experiences. For example, many young people today criticize their parents — “My parents didn’t do this,” or “They should have done that.” Yet when they become parents themselves, they often realize how hard it really is. We forget that our parents might not have learned how to express their love in the way we expect it, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t love us. Love isn’t always shown in words; sometimes it’s hidden in action, in sacrifice. Imagine your child gives you a little gift — maybe their own toy wrapped in torn paper, half sticking out. You don’t see the imperfect wrapping; you see the love behind it. That’s how we should see our parents — imperfect in their giving, but full of love, nonetheless. And if they hadn’t cared, we wouldn’t have made it to adulthood. They must have gone through struggle and pain to give us a better life, but we forget, because we focus only on our own perception. Sometimes people shout, get angry, or act harshly — not because they don’t care, but because that’s the only way they know how to express their concern. Their nervous system, their upbringing, all shape how they show love.

It’s the same in relationships. We often expect love to look a certain way — the way we show it. But if our partner expresses it differently, we start feeling unloved. And that’s where resentment builds. We forget that people give love in the way they were taught to. So it’s important to be mindful. We all carry conditioning, small resentments, unspoken hurts — and they manifest in how we relate to others.